Growing up life was hard, I grew up with a father who could only love one of his children at any one time and play us as trophies. Then life got harder…When I started senior school I was always the outcast there and would go home and still be the one who never belonged. At 13 it got worse, the bullying got worse as well as the names cutting deeper. The abuse was getting more and more, turning to broken arm, a black eye, dislocated jaw and hair set on fire. The teachers said I must have been an issue as I never fitted in and I must be the problem, so put me on weekly report cards. If I weren’t attacked for a day I got a reward like puppy who’s being taught new tricks! At sixteen I refused to go back to school I went in only for exams, which I totally failed. The day I left fully was the best day of my life.
I then went to college thinking it was all over, oh no it hadn’t even begun !! At 17 I’d finished college for the day and went to meet a group of friends at a local place in town. I was sitting waiting for them when suddenly this girl came up behind me and grabbed my hair and started smashing my head against concrete. I heard some one shout her name so knew who she was but no one ever listens to me, the place it happened outside pretended they didn’t have it in CCTV, but then a year later it slipped that they actually covered for her. I then moved to a totally different part of the country to volunteer looking after a disabled person, the placement was meant to be a year but their insurance didn’t cover me, as I was only 17. So I was sent back. I couldn’t find any comfort in anything,nothing I could relate to.
In December I was outside my favourite youth club like every evening, laughing and chatting and waiting for my mate. I used to always hang waiting the same people it was my comfort then these two guys aged 21 and 26 came and snatched my phone. I found out who they wherethrough other people of course I reported it but it didn’t stop. Every time I left my house, either one of them or their girlfriends would find me, threaten me or grab me I was told to order a coffin, the lot.
Court came and went, no justice still the abuse carried on I carried on spiraling. I found comfort in alcohol and going clubbing every night of the week. Getting into more and more trouble not caring what situations I got in as I just didn’t know how to carry on, taking my issues out on the few people I had around me and harming my self (I think “I’m ok”, literally defines 19 year old me) afterthis going on for so long, I went for a stay in hospital, was medicated and diagnosed with ASD and Complex PTSD (I recently found out at same time I was diagnosed with BPD ). Finding this out, that actually I wasn’t broken and i could be someone, started to help but I still never fitted in. People continued to steal of me, I’d end up in toxic relationships where I’d be forced to wear clothes two sizes smaller then what I was. Which of course meant I wasn’t eating properly, it was just like everything I touched broke, I didn’t deserve anything good.
While life still felt terrible, one day probably about four years ago I heard the song “I think I’m OK” and I started crying, omg it’s me… then the more songs of Dom’s I heard the more I found my voice. I found him speaking about how I feel. I call Dom my voice of reason on my bad days and also through my love for Dom and going to Bludfest, I’ve found an absolutely amazing community of people that love me for me and I’m so grateful I have them! I’m thankful for where I’m at, thanks to Dom’s music and the BHC and honestly things can only keep going forward. xx
hello petite Fabienne tu vois je ne lis et ne parle toujours pas l’anglais, mais sur mon PC de travail ça me le traduit directement !… je viens de lire ton histoire et je suis atterrée de lire tous ce que tu as subie et franchement combien de claque tu as pris et tu as tenue le coup et tu te bat
pour construire quelque chose de beau, de magnifique, c’est tout a ton honneur, respect pour toi!… je te souhaite d’avoir la reconnaissance de Dom pour ton travail de blog je pense qu’il ne passera pas a côté!…. te fait un gros câlin très fort et j’espère que l’ont se versa au prochain BLUDFEST
Merci Nathalie, c’est si gentille de ta part! Eh oui la vie n’est pas tourjours façile, mais on fait de son mieux! J’espère qu’il le verra un jour c’est sur!
C’est bien que ton ordi te traduis mon site! Je suis contente pour toi! Grosses bises et on se voit dans la nouvelle année c’est sur!