How is it that a mid-forties mum suddenly starts listening to Yungblud, you ask?
Well… once upon a time this adult was a child. A little girl who felt unseen, unheard and misunderstood all her life. Like she was always a bit out of the expected. The family she was born into didn’t understand. She was even convinced that she had landed there mistakeingly. As far as she was concerned, she didn’t belong there. The ones who were supposed to love her most, were burdened by her peculiar otherness. Her strangeness became a source of grief for them so they did the only thing they knew, they tried to change her.
One day the little girl decided to hide her weirdness, her being different under a cloak of invisibility. If nobody sees me I can’t be rejected, she thought. She created her own little world inside her mind where she felt safe, loved and protected. A safe haven where she could be herself. But there was one thing she couldn’t create in her inside-world – connection.
By the time she grew up to be a teenager she was, desperate to be understood and accepted. Courage and confidence was hard to find in a world where conformity was praised. The loneliness she grew up with, endured. She never really fit in anywhere – always being too much or too little or both at the same time.
Soon the girl that used to be me, grew up to be an adult. Still scared and feeling misunderstood, still wearing my invisibility cloak. I promised myself things would be different now that I had my own little family. But when history repeated itself, I was forced to raise my daughter as a single parent. Being estranged from my origin family, the feeling of isolation and loneliness became at times almost unbearable. Even though I had a few close friends by my side, I felt emotionally homeless. Determined to start healing my childhood wounds, I went on a healing journey during which I reconnected with my inner teenage self.
It was during that time, I innocently stumbled over this video of a young musician talking about how he came up with the idea to have a Make-a-friend tent at his upcoming festival, so people wouldn’t be afraid to come alone. As someone who had trouble making friends all my life, this was so heart warming to hear and I thought to myself how awesome it would be if we had these at every event.
As days went by, I came across other videos and was increasingly impressed by what this empathetic and wise beyond his years individual had to say. With my 15 year old inner teenage self right by my side we both got to know and love Dom (by the way, she really fancies that he’s wearing skirts and make-up). It wasn’t the music that drew us to him initially but his messages. He talked about things no one ever told this scared teenager who was still living inside of me:
„Your individuality is the best thing you’ve got. So be proud to be who you are.“
„You are good enough and you are important.“
„The way you are is perfect. No matter what you look like, what you dress like, who you love, however you identify.“
But he also spoke about his community, about belonging and being a family. About having a place to call home where you are not only accepted but loved for who you are. Words that resonated deeply with me and gradually started healing my inner teenage self. It was such a joy to witness her confidence grow, her courage to express herself, her conviction that she was indeed good enough. Yungblud’s playlist was practically running 24/7 while she and I were dancing like crazy around the living room, singing from the top of our lungs. But buried underneath all this blossoming was still a lot of unprocessed pain. Countless hours we watched video’s of Dom while crying our eyes out. We listened to Casual sabotage, Mars, California, God save me but don’t drown me out over and over again, feeling the pain together until after a while it got less.
And suddenly she dared to dream…. about a better world, a future that is bright because she is in it. About a place, a community where she wouldn’t have to hide. Where she would be loved and appreciated for exactly who she was. Internalising these messages and seeing how Dom and the BHC live up to them, created a sense of safety and security in her. For the first time in her life she felt like she could breathe easy, like she didn’t have to hide parts of her. And then one day, while we once again enthusiastically danced through the living room with Dom singing in our ears Donate my brain to charity, it suddenly happened. From the top of her lungs she was shouting out into the world BHC forever! It was in this moment I knew without a doubt that my 15 year old self was home at last, that she finally found her own family to belong to.
As excited as I was for her, I was also sad for me as an adult who still struggled to find community. Even though I also resonated with Dom’s message and music and knew that he had built this place to be a home for all age groups, something inside me held me back – I was scared. Scared of history repeating itself, scared of the unknown, of what would happen if I let my guard down.
But the good thing in life is, that we can always choose. We decide if we want to be cruel or kind, brave or fearful. It takes bravery to go out there and search for your own family. To gain true belonging you have to take the risk to jump into the unknown. You have to be willing to show who you are and to let yourself be seen.
So here I am, still scared, still insecure but ready at last. Taking a deep breath, I finally drop my invisibility cloak I held onto so dearly for so long. Today I choose to be seen by you all, so I can truly belong.
Absolutely beautiful!